Category Archives: How To

Top Tools Of The Zombie Apocalypse

Today we have a Guest Post from Comedian Gerry Mcbride, who has combined his knowledge of DIY, with his lust for caving peoples skulls in, to bring us his…

“Top Tools Of The Zombie Apocalypse”

It’s one of my favourite scenes from one of my favourite zombie movies; I’m talking Shaun of the Dead here people, and the scene in question finds our hung-over heroes Shaun and Ed confronting two unwelcome visitors to their back garden; a pair of zombies. Having been told by Sky News that the undead conform to the standard Romero Destroy-Brain/ Remove-Head rules of engagement, Shaun and Ed make haste to the toolshed to gear up for a fight. As a life-long Hardware zealot, I was excited to see what tools the two lads would emerge with and subsequently smack the crap out of their intruders with, only to be disappointed with their weapons of choice; A cricket bat and a spade.

Weak, guys.

Ok, neither of them look like the kind of lads that partake in a bit of DIY so maybe I was wrong to expect that their toolshed would have any actual tools. I can’t help but think that maybe if they’d gone to a hardware shop once in they life they may have bought themselves some ordinance that would have greatly helped them in their fight against the undead. For example… Continue reading

A Bluffer’s Guide to Euro 2012

I don't think it's homophobic to say that the Euro's mascots are weird.

Anyone who is reading a geek comedy website is sure to be a cool guy, totally down with all the balls, foot or otherwise. Our readers are men’s men, the kind of men who like to be manly with other man’s men, while watching tertiary man’s men run about a field, like men do. But maybe you slipped through the cracks, and got past any one of our seventeen anti-nerd countermeasures, and wandered onto this site – how do you interact with all the real men’s men, like us here at Humourisms? Between long winded posts about European philosophers and filming Game Boys webisodes, there’s nothing we like better than cracking a beer or similar carbonated beverage, and sitting down with the lads to watch ‘the big match’.

So, it’s been left up to me to explain to you non-macho men how to cope in the football-themed conversations that are currently dominating the country, and that we here at Humourisms freely engage in while lifting weights, eating steak directly off the cow, or on our way to and from our most reliable prosititutes. So, here is Humourisms’ guide to bluffing your way through Euro 2012.

Firstly, you must identify if you are, indeed, a bluffer. Here is a quick test, that you can take, at home, free of charge;

1) What do you and your friends, as a group, look like?

Pictured: the photograph that sparked a Europe-wide campaign against racism towards chairs.

2) As a child, which of these costumes would you have been more likely to wear?

From different worlds, yet in later life the two fell madly in love.

3) Finally, and perhaps most concisely, which character from Revenge of the Nerds do you most identify with?

On reflection, really could have opened with this one.

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How To Get A TV Show Made

Damon Blake brings us the inside scoop from the glamourous world of show business.

We’re down in Athenry to shoot the second episode of our RTE Storyland show Student Teacher. Making a webisode (ie TV on the internet, the alternative word being Googlefilm) means we don’t have much of a budget, just a lot of can-do attitude.

The first order of business is to get our writer/director Giles Brody a haircut. Being the head of production (literally) means everyone looks to him for guidance. Would you follow the instructions of some mullet headed freak with an owl nesting above his ears? Well, yes, that guy has lived an interesting life and trained Mr Hoots to slit a mouse from belly to nose every time he whistles. But generally…no.

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Damon Blake is a comedy maker and tea-drinker. He likes comic books and hurting people's feelings.  He's the Uncle Ben to the bitter loners of Humourisms, ie, his death will motivate them on to greater things.You can find him on Twitter @blakingpoint writing jokes and crying.

A Bluffers Guide To Christmas Fashion

Its nearly that time of year, so we asked comedian George Fox to aid us in choosing what to wear to all those Christmas parties we weren’t invited to.

-Making X-mas Into XXX-mas:

What better way to celebrate not only Christmas but also that new fountatin you go put in by lying sexily in front of it for all (and your parole officer) to see. Someone fetch me my rosewater…..

He just got a letter from God, it reads “Congratulations buddy, You’re winning at LIFE!”

-CHRISTMAS PIMP STICK:

Why not get in the Christmas mood by picking up your very own yuletide-pimpstick. It allows you to be festive while still making sure you have the opportunity to go upside a bitch’s head (should the need arise). “I promised my sailor uncle that I shall use my pimpstick only for good, so you have ten seconds to get your bow-tie on Reginald before I beat the eyebrows off your face.”

“It may be Christmas, but that doesnt mean you shouldn’t be out on the street corner, earning my dollars, Bitch! Chill b’fo I Curbstomp you ya Yuletiding Bastard!”

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A Series of Thanksgiving-Themed Haikus

Our token American Kevin Lockard has been off this week, flying home to celebrate Thanksgiving. Being back home has stirred up a lot of feelings in Kevin, and for a special Thanksgiving update he attempts to explore those feelings through the traditional medium of Haiku.

Hi everyone. American citizen Kevin Lockard here, coming to you live from my hometown of Burke, Virginia. I’m home for Thanksgiving, staying with my parents, my brother, his fiancé, my sister, her husband, and her two young daughters.

Under one roof with

all my relatives. We might

murder each other.

I’m the one in the bottom right – giving the viewer a sly look, as if to say “Will I kill them? I’ll never tell!”

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Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




How To Fight The Power

Around the world people are standing up, saying “No!” and then sitting down in a public place. Damon Blake  is a shitty person who doesn’t understand what the Occupy movement is about. 

It’s been a while since I rebelled against anything. Gone are the days when I could jump on my moped, put on my Quadrophenia t-shirt and do other things from the 70s that I Googled. No, nowadays the most rebellious thing I do is change the language on my Facebook to “Pirate” while I try to convince Amazon that I live in the UK so they’ll ship me a cheap knock off iPod.

But that’s not enough for those burning with the spirit of Che Guevera. They want to tear down the system. They want to destroy the hegemony. They want to pull capitalism’s heart out and piss in the open hole.

Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

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How To Get Things Done

Somehow finding time in his schedule to bring us a Sunday post, Damon Blake brings us up to date on the productivity system that is taking the bespectacled and tie-wearing world by storm.

Guys, you know how busy I am at the moment. If I’m not dropping someone’s kids off at school, or getting someone pregnant, or demanding a DNA test and then tampering with evidence that proves I’m the father, then I’m surfing the internet. It takes up a lot of time.

So to manage everything I’ve been reading Getting Things Done by David Allen:

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