“Disclaimer: The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody is a Parody Movie”  “The parody movie is not sponsored, endorsed by, or affiliated with Marvel Characters”.

You might think a film called The Avengers XXX doesn’t really need the subtitle  “A Porn Parody” to clarify things, in this case it a does because there already is a film called XXX Avengers (the tagline was ‘From Superhero Hero to Supersluts’).  This has no connection with the nonofficial superhero parody porn films of director Axel Braun. Thus far, Braun has made Batman XXX: A Porn Parody (2010), Superman XXX: A Porn Parody (2011), and The Incredible Hulk: A XXX Porn Parody (2011) to name but a few. He could have well have made another one by the time you’ve finished reading this.

One would think that creating adult movies based on superhero continuity would be the perfect storm of a business idea for getting money (or bittorrent waiting hours) from geeks.  Porn actors dressed as superheroes having sex, who wouldn’t want to watch that? Everyone.  Superhero porn films are like a rugby player who goes out and buys a foam-muscle Superman costume to wear on a stag party and calls himself a geek because he saw Star Wars once. These are jocks in geek clothing, and then getting rid of the clothing.

Back in the  late 1980s and early 1990s, people had to make their own entertainment (apart from VHS and a new thing called CDs) and you  had to imagine superheroes having sex in the privacy of your own home. Like..’oh wow can you imagine if Batman and Catwoman or if Spiderman had sex with Mary Jane (which one must assume he did, after they got married of course)’.  Imagining superheroes at it is geekily cool, actually seeing it is not.  Forget George Lucas, superhero porn parody films are ruining my youth, and the intricate fantasies I created, replaced by a lumbering monosyllabic mook in an Thor helmet.

My favourite superhero is She Hulk, especially John Byrne’s run on Sensational She-Hulk (1989). The character broke the fourth wall and actually talked the reader, the only example, before or since, of a lady actually talking to me and threatening to come to my house.

I won’t go into the sex scenes of The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody here, obviously you know what happens in them (incidentally if you do know what happens in them could you send me a crudely drawn diagram because my strict morals forced me to only watch the plot elements of the superhero scenes.)

The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody starts with shots of the desert and poor auld Bruce Banner in his pants just wandering around, a news report (“with damages running into the millions, it’s amazing one got killed”) explains this is the aftermath of a Las Vegas fight between the  Hulk the Abomination. We cut to (and mostly stay in) a disused warehouse:

I know what you’re thinking, S.H.I.E.L.D.’s budget has been cut…here’s where The Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody becomes arguably more geeky than The Avengers: their perfectly cast dingus Hawkeye Goes ‘What a fucking dump Fury…the Fantastic Four get the Baxter building, and we get an old abandoned warehouse down by the wharf’ and Nick Fury replies “I don’t expect anyone who walks around in a blue helmet to understand what we’re doing here, it’s called being low key.”

There are also geeky nods to the more obscure corners of the Marvel universe:

Ms. Marvel: Are you telling me that the Living Laser and the Constrictor are more a threat than the Hulk?

Hawkeye: Not quite sure what the Skrulls did to you hon but looks like you got a fetish for green guys.

The Constrictor (below), although referenced does not appear, although his wrist mounted adamantium coils could have come in handy.  By the looks of things they were a hassle to carry around.

The plot is slight, there’s no overall villain, just them worrying about the Hulk. Spider-Man turns up to give out about why he hasn’t been asked to join. Then they all stop their bickering and are friends, so it has a happy ending, for the characters at least. The viewer is left with a vague sense of ennui and confusion and some things that can’t be unseen.

For prosperity, the pairings are: Hawkeye and Black Widow, Scarlet Witch and Ms. Marvel, Nick Fury and Sharon Carter (niece of one time Captain America girlfriend Peggy Carter), She-Hulk and Thor, and Spider-Man and Ms. Marvel.  Consulting my copy of the Marvel Universe Handbook, these are as evenly matched in terms of strength and superpowers as one could have hoped. Thus we are spared something like She-Hulk getting it on with Willie Lumpkin and injuries that would no doubt ensue. Stan Lee does not make a cameo.

Bizarrely, Iron Man and Hulk are mostly there for comic relief. The implications of Bruce Banner getting angry during sex are not explored. Similarly what gadgetry Tony Stark could have developed for the adult market is left to the imagination.  What isn’t left to the imagination is ex-wrestler Chyna painted green.  Think of it. That was someone’s job, to painstakingly paint Chyna green, and probably had to be on set for touch ups.   Someone lived their whole life not knowing that at some stage that would happen. So sad.  I mean, I applied for the job and everything but no success.

Lorcan McGrane is a comedian/writer/snappy dresser . He can be found on Twitter and Tumblr.