An Open Letter to Flo-Rida

Today’s post comes to us care of Bob Hennigan, who has a few grievances he’d like to air with popular recording artist Flo-Rida.

Dear Flo,

I wish to reveal some secret shame and to apologise for an incident the other night in the club. You know the club to which I refer, as we were both there.

I saw you in the club and for a moment I was considering going over to say hello. However, I decided against it as you have never said or done anything that remotely interests me, so the conversation would have been tedious and/or awkward.

Anyway, the altercation you had with security was mainly my fault. “My bad”, as you hip hop artists would say, if your egos ever conceded to having made mistakes.

I raised a concern with the security as to the club’s ability to handle you. I was reassured by one bouncer that the club’s ability to handle you was “ample”. However, I was unconvinced as I have seen documented footage of you in the throes of a club unhandling, so my concerns were not without precedent.

I asked the security guard to have a word with you, as you may pose a Health and Safety risk. He reluctantly obliged when I threatened to call the Fire Marshall. I am sure you are aware that this is where the trouble started. I witnessed the heated debate between you both from a safe distance and when the security guard returned, he seemed agitated.

“What happened? Is he upset?”, I asked.
“Upset? He incandescent!”, he replied.

I thought “incandescent” was a fairly big word for a bouncer to use, but who knows, maybe the chap is bouncing his way through a degree in English Literature. My chief concern was with the word. “Incandescent” is a word I mostly see at petrol pumps and I have never seen it used in a happy sentence.

“Would you say he is volatile?”, I asked. The bouncer thought for a moment.

“He probably is after that.”, he said.

I have to say, at this point I panicked and went into what I can only describe as “command mode.” I’m not sure if you have seen The Poseidon Adventure, it’s not very good. But, in this situation (the club) I cast myself as Gene Hackman (that’s a reference to the Poseidon Adventure, I hope you’re following this) and assured the bouncer that he must do as I say.

“You must get Flo Rida out of the club. It is only a matter of time before the club can’t handle him.”, I demanded.

Sensing my urgency, the bouncer and his team obliged. I saw what followed from my vantage point under the table and it was regrettable. And for it all, I must apologise.

In hindsight I would guess that the club could probably could handle you. But I really can’t.

Regards,
Bob