Today we have a Guest Post from Comedian Gerry Mcbride, who has combined his knowledge of DIY, with his lust for caving peoples skulls in, to bring us his…
“Top Tools Of The Zombie Apocalypse”
It’s one of my favourite scenes from one of my favourite zombie movies; I’m talking Shaun of the Dead here people, and the scene in question finds our hung-over heroes Shaun and Ed confronting two unwelcome visitors to their back garden; a pair of zombies. Having been told by Sky News that the undead conform to the standard Romero Destroy-Brain/ Remove-Head rules of engagement, Shaun and Ed make haste to the toolshed to gear up for a fight. As a life-long Hardware zealot, I was excited to see what tools the two lads would emerge with and subsequently smack the crap out of their intruders with, only to be disappointed with their weapons of choice; A cricket bat and a spade.
Weak, guys.
Ok, neither of them look like the kind of lads that partake in a bit of DIY so maybe I was wrong to expect that their toolshed would have any actual tools. I can’t help but think that maybe if they’d gone to a hardware shop once in they life they may have bought themselves some ordinance that would have greatly helped them in their fight against the undead. For example…
1) Stanley FatMax Xtreme #55-120
Why you might find one useful everyday:
You are as fond of dismantling things as much as you are of building them.
Why you might find one useful in a Zombie Outbreak:
The FatMax range from Stanley is a steroid enhanced line of tools with little or no purpose on an everyday worksite (I point you towards the FatMax website here; http://www.stanleyhandtools.ca/index-eng.php, a catalogue of tools that look more like snap-on weapons for GI Joe toys), and the FuBar is the Daddy of the whole bunch. A tool that is completely incapable of being used to actually make anything, the FuBar exists only to ruin the shit of anything foolish enough to get in its way. With a choice of a hammer face, a pick head and a splayed end, how you dispose of the shambling corpse-mess in front of you is dictated only by how pissed off you are at that point in time, which in a zombie wasteland should be proportional to how many of your family the undead fucker just bit. However, should you be wishing to go down the remove-head rather than destroy-brain route, you may want to try…
2) Roughneck “Big Mutt” Multi-Purpose Floor Scraper
Why you might find one useful everyday:
You have concrete residue on a smooth floor and you wish to scrape it off, or you have tree roots that you need to chop.
Why you might find one useful in a Zombie Outbreak:
Just look at the thing! This is what happens when a shovel fucks a hatchet. Most floor scrapers are unwieldy beasts which will only scrape the loosest of concrete from the smoothest of floors and the Big Mutt is the worst offender of all; you’re more likely to gouge holes that do any actual good. As for the “chopping roots” line on the packaging; please. Like all floor scrapers, the only thing this was designed to do was chop the neck of a walking cadaver in one single lunging motion. Should the Big Mutt prove too cumbersome for you, you can always find scrapers which sacrifice blade thickness for blade width:
Or even add in T-handles for better control:
it’s like the floor scraper industry is catering to even the most discerning zombie hunter and said hey friend; if you want to uppercut the front of a zombies face off and watch his brain flop out as he collapses, we’ll see you right. But if your weapon swinging technique is less paint-fence and more paint-house, you may want to go down a more traditional route…
3) 26” Estwing Campers Axe
Why you might find one useful everyday:
You like your wood like you like your abs – cut to fuck.
Why you might find one useful in a Zombie Outbreak:
The axe; one of the tools that we use today that has changed very little from its Neolithic design. But just because the function of something hasn’t changed much doesn’t mean that it hasn’t evolved; case in point, this beautiful axe from Estwing tools, market leaders when it comes to hammers and axes. Everything about this axe was designed with the sole purpose of making one single thing become two separate things, whether that is to make one big log into two small logs or one approaching flesh-eater into one stationary pile of limbs and one rolling head. This harmonica only plays one motherfucking tune, and that tune is all about how to separate head from shoulders quicker than we should separate church from state. But if the Stone-Age technology of an axe is just too damn advanced for you, you may wish to take your Zombie-culling back to absolute basics with…
4) Monument No.2 Beechwood Lead Dresser
Why you might find one useful everyday:
You’ve got a sheet of lead that needs shaping, so with a wee tap-tap-tap of your Lead Dresser, your sorted.
Why you might find one useful in a Zombie Outbreak:
Because it just doesn’t get any simpler than this; a last-resort close range weapon which will never break, never need to be sharpened, never weigh you down and never do anything less than devastating damage to anything you swing it towards. If the Estwing Axe hasn’t evolved much from a cavemans axe, then a Lead Dresser hasn’t evolved much from a fucking rock. Keep on in your back pocket while lost in apocalyptic wastelands and making it home alive is almost guaranteed. It’s such a devastating cudgel that if you hit the first Zombie hard enough, other approaching ghouls may summon enough of their last remaining shreds of cognition to remember that getting bludgeoned in the face with a piece of wood specifically designed to bludgeon things isn’t exactly the healthiest option available to them, and shamble off to eat some other poor bastard instead. But if the horde of zombies is too much for your closest range weapon, if the sea of undead just keep coming no matter how much you swing your axe or thrust your floor scraper, no matter how many skulls cave to your FuBar… then there’s only one tool for you to turn to…
5) Draper 700mm Slate Ripper
Why you might find one useful everyday:
One slate on your roof giving you heartbreak? Slide this doohicky up underneath, pull down sharply and hey presto – slate be gone!
Why you might find one useful in a Zombie Outbreak:
Unlike every other tool mentioned so far, the Slate Ripper isn’t immediately useful. Sure, it’s about the right size and shape of a sword but an annoying off-centre handle means it’ll never be as comfortable in your hand as you’d like. Still, you could swing it at an approaching deadite and do some harm, but you’d really need to sharpen the dull edges if you wanted to score a killing blow. No, what sets the Slate Ripper apart from all other tools and makes it indispensible in your arsenal is the sheer penisness of the thing.
The specially shaped head of the tool which makes it so good at it real job when roofing is as close as DIY tools come to resembling a terrible metal phallus. Give a man a weapon and he’ll use it to make up for any shortcomings he has in the trouser department; the old adage of “The bigger the gun, the smaller the dick holding it”… Well, imagine a weapon that ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE A PENIS. Courage and aggression get +100hp straight away.
You charge into battle swinging your dreadful barbed metal penis until every single zombie head has been taken from every single zombie neck. I refuse to believe that this is the only penis shaped weapon in the world. Somebody, somewhere is at this minute either creating or in possession of a purpose-built penis sword or an AK-47 with a pair of fake pigskin balls hanging off it. Until such a weapon hits the market, I suggest you get yourself to the nearest hardware Shop, buy yourself a one of everything else on this list, bunker in and wait for the inevitable Zombie uprising. I can’t fucking wait.
Gerry McBride is a comedian/hardware store employee based out of Dublin. He can be found on Twitter, Facebook, and will be bringing his debut show “Straight out of Monaghan” to the 10 Days in Dublin festival.
Comments
Powered by Facebook Comments