A Bluffer’s Guide to Euro 2012

I don't think it's homophobic to say that the Euro's mascots are weird.

Anyone who is reading a geek comedy website is sure to be a cool guy, totally down with all the balls, foot or otherwise. Our readers are men’s men, the kind of men who like to be manly with other man’s men, while watching tertiary man’s men run about a field, like men do. But maybe you slipped through the cracks, and got past any one of our seventeen anti-nerd countermeasures, and wandered onto this site – how do you interact with all the real men’s men, like us here at Humourisms? Between long winded posts about European philosophers and filming Game Boys webisodes, there’s nothing we like better than cracking a beer or similar carbonated beverage, and sitting down with the lads to watch ‘the big match’.

So, it’s been left up to me to explain to you non-macho men how to cope in the football-themed conversations that are currently dominating the country, and that we here at Humourisms freely engage in while lifting weights, eating steak directly off the cow, or on our way to and from our most reliable prosititutes. So, here is Humourisms’ guide to bluffing your way through Euro 2012.

Firstly, you must identify if you are, indeed, a bluffer. Here is a quick test, that you can take, at home, free of charge;

1) What do you and your friends, as a group, look like?

Pictured: the photograph that sparked a Europe-wide campaign against racism towards chairs.

2) As a child, which of these costumes would you have been more likely to wear?

From different worlds, yet in later life the two fell madly in love.

3) Finally, and perhaps most concisely, which character from Revenge of the Nerds do you most identify with?

On reflection, really could have opened with this one.

If you answered ‘the nerd one’ to all of the above options, or you are still reading this, then you need our help navigating the murky, masculine, yet strangely brightly-coloured seas of European football, which you are bound to encounter over the next *however long a football tournament goes on for.*

Step 1) The first trick to bluffing your way through football is widely criticizing the manager. It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong, or if the person in question is actually profiscent at their job; football fans will for some reason universarily accept criticism towards a someone who’s job they really feel, deep down, they should have.

Correct usage: “He won’t be around long after this tournament.”

Incorrect usage: “Both managers are sure to have a significant emotional reaction to this result.”

Real men molest ghosts.

2) Attempt to be as ambiguous as possible as to what you are actually describing.  Terms like ‘offense’, ‘defense’, and ‘the bench’ give the illusion that you are referring to a select number of players with defined characteristics of which you are cognoscente; in fact, you are just saying any combination of words in a football-y way. References to players becoming ‘past their peak’, or teams having ‘a lack of depth’ are strongly encouraged.

Correct usage: “Sure, they have a good strong side on paper, but the offense has seen better days and they don’t have enough depth on the bench.”

Incorrect usage: “Sure, he’s playing well, but is he playing well enough to deserve to wear the jersey of the colour of which he is wearing?”

At first, Trappatoni was widely criticized for his controversial 'attempt to fly' tactic.

3) Contrary to popular belief, football aficionados are some of the most flowery talkers in all the land, and on a good day, will commentate entirely in haiku. This is because talking in complex metaphor never fails to seem profound, while essentially saying nothing. Remember to keep your metaphors rustic, focusing largely on farm animals, barn doors, and largely anything agricultural. Bonus points for mixing three or more metaphors in a single sentence.

Correct usage: The manager can only take the horse to water, but the defense left the barn door open, and the horse has well and truly bolted; they’re having a ‘mare of a night.

Incorrect usage: That player looks a bit like a duck.

See? It’s easy. Now, next time your caught in a taxi, at a urinal, or in a dole queue, you’ll have just the conversation starter to make even the most manly men believe that you are truly one of them.

Jon Hozier-Byrne is a journalist, comedy writer, and sort-of radio person. Why not follow him on Twitter, and listen to his podcast, The Film Show? Or, if you’re in Dublin, why not listen to him review movies on Sunshine 106.8, every Friday at 6? Yeah, he’s not delighted with this week’s article either, but he needed to do one about football and that was really a photo of him up the top with the lightsaber.