Basically our favourite person Carol Tobin in the universe brings us some fear & loathing on the internet.
I hate YouTube. When I told my friend how much I hated YouTube she replied “But you can’t hate YouTube, it’s like saying you hate breathing.” Well I do hate breathing but any time I’ve tried to cut back on that I look ridiculous.
1 . YouTube clips ruin magical moments
Picture this, Dublin 2012. Your eyes meet across a deserted pub. You’re both lonely what with losing everyone you know to emigration. And “lonely” can sound like “horny” when said with a lump in your throat. You need each other. If only to have that special person in your life who will notice if you haven’t tweeted in an hour. So you end up back at whoever’s home is nearer.
Taxis are expensive and anyway it’s more economical to put out and get the bus home in the morning. Location, location, procreation. You’re sitting awkwardly in their home. You’ve run out of things to say on the couch, but you still have loads that could be said in a bed. So you want to get to a bed. You convince yourself you might love them. You laugh at jokes they don’t make and say “ah shucks” at cute things they haven’t mentioned.
Then they ruin the fantasy and go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like “Have you seen the YouTube clip with the giraffe singing Too Shy by that band Kajagoogoo?” And your sexual organs contract and suddenly the four hour walk home doesn’t seem so bad.
You mutter as you leave “You’re just too good for me, I can feel it already, I need some dark and rain on me. I must go.” And it could have been love. Or it could have been premature ejaculation and gingivitis soaked gums panting on top of you.
You’ll never know.
You’ll never know because you tried to enhance your personality with a YouTube clip and you ruined the moment.
Way to go crashing my sex drive
2. Talking Dogs
The reason a dog is a man’s best friend has nothing to do with man ingesting loved up vibe inducing ecstasy tablets and then encountering a dog.
“You’re my best friend Rexy Bastard; we should join a gym together when these drugs wear off.”
A dog is a man’s best friend because dogs don’t talk. Therefore you can have a dog in your life and it won’t ruin said life by doing running commentary on how much you masturbate. Or how little you masturbate. A dog will lick your tears and not tell your mother about the quantity of tears it just licked. A dog won’t ridicule you for breaking the five second rule as you peel week old lettuce from under the fridge and ingest it with your eyes closed. A dog won’t tut tut under its dog breathe when you stand on an upturned plug for the fifth time that day. So leave dogs alone. Stop putting words in their mouths, or human voices over clips of them. If they wanted to talk they would. And if they could they’d probably tell you get that stupid camera away from their faces.
Let’s fight obesity together
3. YouTube isn’t YouPorn
4. Leave them kids alone
“Hey Carol, saw this clip of a baby making the noise of a pear ripening as she exhales, thought of you.”
Life is hard. It truly is. Despite what my boobs will tell you, I grew up too fast. At 10 I was washing roads in the pissing rain just to put bread on the periodic table. Even though my days and nights were hard at best at least I didn’t have my parents watching my every move with a camera in the hope I would do something funny or mildly entertaining to then have them share it with 54 people. At least my folks slept occasionally and weren’t ingesting huge quantities of caffeine supplements to keep themselves awake in case I happened to gurgle the 18th century song folk song “A Fox May Steal Your Hens, Sir”. At least my Mama and Papa didn’t meet on an I Want to Be Famous, You Want to Be Famous, Let’s Make a Baby and Make the Baby Famous Instead dating website. Nowadays kids can tell how much their parents love them by how many YouTube clips they have uploaded during their formative years. And if for some strange reason you were an internet sensation as a child, that’s huge pressure on you for the rest of your life. How will those kids featured in Charlie Bit My Finger ever top that moment? Biting sibling’s fingers doesn’t get funnier with age, it gets progressively sadder.
Let’s have a famous baby together
5. Don’t you feel silly now?
You click on a YouTube link. You watch the clip. You think to yourself “this must be real, like, it looks so real.” And you watch it a few times, examining it for discrepancies and then convinced “It must be real, like it looks so real.” You email it on to every contact you have and you get on with your life. Or at least you try to get on with your life. Something has changed though. People seem distant. Your friends aren’t getting your movie references and you notice potential shags are busy washing their sick mother’s hair. You smell yourself. What could it be? Then after a few months of heavy drinking you have a hepiphany (hangover + epiphany). That YouTube clip you sent was a set up. It wasn’t real. Even though it looked so real. They didn’t really fall into the swimming pool on their wedding day. And everyone you sent the link to didn’t believe that they really fell into a swimming pool on their wedding day. And they judged you on that clip and lost respect for you.
Let’s get married and make a fake YouTube clip on our wedding day
and inadvertently destroy people’s lives.
No self was harmed in the compiling of this list.