While other websites carefully research their fun facts lists, Jon Hozier-Byrne just makes stuff up. This week, it’s Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney!
1. Mitt Romney comes from a long line of people named Romney
Yes, it’s true! Mitt Romney’s father, Charles ‘Dashing’ Romney, or C.D. Rom as he preferred to be known, was a prominent politician and outdated storage format. His mother, Veronica Anne Romney, or V.A. Rom (as was her nom de plume) was a schoolteacher, an amateur botanist, and the noise that cars make. Romney is a weird name, is what I’m saying.
2. Mitt Romney’s face is constructed entirely out of the skin of Baby Bell mini-cheeses
While it has long been suspected that Mitt Romney is some variety of human-dairy hybrid, Humourisms can now confirm that ol’ Romzo is entirely constructed of the waxy coverings of diminutive cheddars. Does that mean that his body’s interior is made up entirely of deliciously smooth camembert? The answer, of course, is yes.
3. Mitt Romney can’t decide how big that fish he caught was
At least that’s what we think is going on here. He may also be trying to cast a spell, conduct his personal orchestra (the Mittropolitan Symphony Orchestra, omg lol), or he could just be trying to fly. Or these photos could have been taken at different places and at different times, but we at Humourisms see no proof of that.
4. The words ‘Mitt Romney’ derives from the Latin Mita Romani, which translates roughly as ‘mad swagger’
Mitt Romney is, to quote the man, “a motherflipping P.I.M.P. (pimp)”, and he wants the world to know. Contrary to popular belief, the classic ‘TiK ToK’ by Ke-dollar sign-A has both written about, and performed by Mitt Romney’s hip-hop alter ego, Captain Mizzle Rizzle.
5. As a young man, Mitt Romney spent 30 months as a Mormon missionary in France
That one’s actually true. I know, right? I could buy the Ke$ha thing, but seriously? France doesn’t even need missionaries, it’s fine. They’ve got Disneyland and everything. Did you know he’s meant to wear special Mormon underwear too? You knew that? And that’s just fine? Alright then.
Jon Hozier-Byrne is a journalist and comic, and he’s looking for a job, if you’re hiring. He is also the movie guy for Sunshine 106.8, Fridays 6-7. Follow him on Twitter here.