Teacher’s name: John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kindergarten Cop)
Bio: Los Angeles Police Detective
Students: Precocious 4 year old smart alecs, wise acres, etc.
Summary: Who would have thought that the kids would be scared shitless of a big scary man showing up at their school and yelling at them. Kimble lacks even the most basic educational and child care know how. He can’t keep track of his students and he brings a gun to work. Denies children access to the bathroom.
Most likely to say: “SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
Least likely to say: “I am so glad you children are no longer terrified of me.”
Teacher’s name: LouAnne Johnson (Michelle Pfeiffer, Dangerous Minds)
Bio: Former marine, current leather jacket owner
Students: She describes them as being “dangerous minds” but you could just as easily call them a bunch of fucking nit wits.
Summary: Failed to assert herself on the first day. On the second day she karate’d one of the students. She tried to teach them poetry by using someone these under privileged 90′s inner city Californian kids could really relate to – 60′s era Bob Dylan. All but completely ignores the syllabus.
Most likely to say: “In my classroom, poetry is its own reward.”
Least likely to say: anything that isn’t hugely patronizing.
Teacher’s name: Rick Latimer (James Belushi, The Principal)
Bio: Alcoholic high school teacher with rage issues
Students: Punks in a run down school that he’s hoping to inspire
Summary: Not to put too fine a point on things but in a perfect world Mr Latimer would never have been born. He pervs on his students, frequently makes inappropriate comments, loves nothing more then kicking a few heads in and doesn’t seem to have the slightest interest in education. Would be better suited to running a medieval prison then being entrusted as the gatekeeper on his student’s journey to personal betterment.
Most likely to say: “I’m the principal, man!” (as he rides away on his motorcycle)
Least likely to say: “Lets read some Emily Dickinson up in this bitch.”
Teacher’s name: Glenn Holland (Richard Dreyfuss, Mr Holland’s Opus)
Bio: Musician who took up teaching for a more stable family life
Students: A collection of sullen sad sacks and sycophantic sucks up.
Summary: While Mr Holland’s railing against the closure of his school’s arts program is admirable, his shouty selfish demeanour makes it impossible to understand how he’s made it so long in education without a student 187ing him. He’s a dick to his wife, doesn’t seem that pushed about his deaf son and his opus at the end is a good opus, just not a great opus.
Most likely to say: “Play the sunset. Close your eyes. One, two, three, four.”
Least likely to say: “Mr Holland’s Opus? No, no, no. I gathered you all here today to unveil ten thousand buckets of Mr Holland’s Old Piss.”
Teacher’s name: The Master (Liam Cunningham, War Of The Buttons)
Bio: Country teacher who just wants an easy life
Students: A rag tag group of loveable underdogs locked in a battle for buttons with the rich(?)(er)(?) snobs from one town over.
Summary: The Master neither impedes nor encourages the military tacticians in his classroom. He seems fairly content to let harm befall them. He offers to help a student in need but its more for want of something to do then it is out of the goodness of his heart. There’s feck all to do in the town, you see. He has that one special quality that defines a great teacher – he’s knows he’s got a nice cushy job with good pay and long holidays.
Most likely to say: “I find that prospect more horrifying than amusing.”
Least likely to say: “‘Oh Captain, my captain’. Come on lads, tell me I’m great.”