For this weeks article, humourisms.com tasked comedian George Fox with finding something festive to write about, what he returned with was a shocking look at the replies to Children, that Santa NEVER wanted you to see.
I would like to have one of your magical reindeer to keep for always. I will take care of it, and feed it, and walk it and make sure it’s not too cold when the weather gets bad. And I will even make sure to share it with my little sister, even though I don’t like her alot of the time.
Do you have any idea how much that would fuck things up for us? Do you also get the postman to leave you his bicycle every time he delivers a letter to your house? And now one of the elves has just informed me that most postman nowadays would use a van rather than a bicycle. Awesome, so Postmen get better quality equipment then I do. You know what I would do to have a windshield on my sleigh? I’d happily smash every toy belonging to a child whose name started with the letter “C”. Suck on that Colins and Christines of the world. Look Gordon, the simple fact is that magical reindeers are a finite resource, like oil or gas. If I wanted to get more magical reindeer, I’d have to build a time machine and go back in time a few eons and then convince a wizard to fuck a normal deer. Yeah, THATS where my reindeer come from. Not as cute now, right?
P.S: No, you CAN’T have a time machine for Christmas. Asshole.
My name is Rebecca and I have two cousins, they are twins and they are my best friends. My Cousins are really sick and so if I could have just one christmas wish, it would be that they get better, cos I would like them to have a nice christmas like all the other boys and girls around the world. I wouldn’t enjoy my Christmas If they weren’t able to. That’s really all I want. I hope you are doing well in the north pole….
Wow, way to bum me out RIGHT before the holidays. Awesome. Remind me to text you about the trials and tribulations of trying to organize/control an essentially slave race of magical elves, RIGHT before you sit down for your end of year school exams next summer. I’m sure youd be thrilled to hear about how I had to pay a gang of magical polar bears to hobble one of the most high up elves for having thoughts on the introduction of an enchanted creatures union. Or the fact that I AM THE PERSON thats been flooding the north pole market with all this cheap Pixie Dust that they’ve all become addicted to, just so I can control them far easier. I learned the trick from a few powerful friends in Washington, if ya get my drift. Needless to say, pretend you didnt read that last sentence Rebecca.
Also, you don’t get a Christmas “Wish”. You can ask for something tangible, real, that I can create and deliver, how the fuck am I sposed to make your cousins well again? You didn’t even give me any of their symptoms you dipshit. What am I sposed to do, drop down the chimney with a years supply of antibiotics? Or break into their room and sedate them while I , and a crack team of arctic seals, perform heart surgery on them? Where would I even get Donor hearts!?
Jesus…….Are you sure you wouldn’t just prefer a reindeer? But…… I’ll try my best.
Merry Christmas Rebecca.
My Name is John, AND MY NAME IS EDWARD! And for Christmas, we just want to party with you!
Dear John and Edward,
BINGO. You insufferable arseholes are gonna help me keep a promise to a little girl.
See ya real soon.
- George Fox is a Comedian/ Writer based In Dublin, Ireland. He can be seen performing live at numerous venues across Ireland. Follow him on Twitter or Facebook to find out dates for upcoming shows.
Don’t forget to follow us: