Michael Jackson: That Was That

The past week saw the 20th anniversary of the death of music legend Freddie Mercury. To commemorate this sad passing guest writer Conor Luke Barry takes a look back at the lfe of the one and only Michael Jackson.

While feeling up women at the local discotheque a song came on the jukebox that was so emotionally evocative that I halted my groping and let the music take sexual advantage of my eardrums. Later, a conversation with my best friend Roy led to the discovery that this mystery tune was the toe-tapping popular music hit ‘Earth Song’ by Michael Jackson, followed by Roy literally shitting himself to death upon the discovery that I was not a fan of Jackson’s career. At Roy’s funeral I wondered what it was that gave Jackson that special edge over other popular music artists; I wondered how he could possibly be superior to artists such as Wings, Lou Bega or the radio. Hesitantly, I began my investigation.

Michael pictured here with his son Prince

It quickly became very clear that Michael Jackson was quite famous as well as quite dead. It all started in 1966 when Jackson had himself cloned four times to create backing singers for his band The Jackson 5, or as they were originally known Back-to-back Jack Attack. Managed by his notoriously strict father Joe, Michael later described the experience as ‘every boy’s dream, if every boy dreams of vomiting at the sight of his father’.

‘I believe in artistic integrity’ – Joe Jackson

When each of The Jackson 5 clones perished in various fires the band was briefly referred to as The Jackson 1 before eventually settling on the name Michael because it reminded him of his favourite basketball player, Shaquille O’Neal. He slowly grew in both popularity and physical size but he wasn’t without his critics, Rolling Stone editor Jann Wenner stating in a 1972 interview ‘Black people are the new yo-yo’s, they’re just a fad’, a flaw Jackson quickly corrected by breaking his face several times as an excuse to receive the world’s first Caucasian transplant. Predictably enough, this much needed correction led to the major success of his album Off the Wall (and into your heart), which music historians now say ‘reinvented music as a medium’ as well as ‘shit all over whatever that Jesus guy did’.

The next decade was quiet for Jackson, apart from becoming the most famous pop sensation of all time and in 1982, off the success of his album All Thriller, no Filler, Michael was declared King of the little known region of Pop. He was also the first man in history to put his hand on his genitals while singing which was acknowledged as ‘the sexiest thing anyone has done in the world thus far’, ushering in a new low in filth and leading to the pornographic atrocity that is the modern pop music industry.

Not pictured: Everyone in the vicinity orgasming uncontrollably

However, Michael only truly hit the big time in 1993 when he was accused of child molestation. A star studded cast defended him and it was eventually decided that the trial was so entertaining that it didn’t really matter whether or not he was a paedophile, Judge Melville famously declaring him ‘too funky for prison’. Later, Michael became the first openly paedophilic pop star causing a chain reaction of other celebrities to come out and now, as we all know, child molestation is as accepted in society as raping children. This led to his final number one hit ‘There ain’t nothing wrong with letting children sleep in my bed because I’m very famous’, winning him two Grammys; the ‘Saying what we’re all thinking’ award as well as best music video.

Michael was later disappointed to find it couldn’t play records

After this triumph Jackson gave up the limelight to focus his energies on ending poverty, uniting Israel and Palestine and starring in the 2007 box office flop These Boots are made for Moonwalking, a romantic comedy about Hitler, played by Jackson, and his whacky relationship with Eva (Rosie O’Donnell) as he conquered his fears of commitment while simultaneously conquering Poland. Finally, in 2009, Jackson died doing what he loved; having a lethal amount of propofol injected into his veins.

Through my investigation into his career I was converted into a Jackson fanatic. Though I never met Michael, and likely never will, I feel like he and I would have been friends. We share similar interest such as candy, roller coasters and becoming the most successful black pop musician of all time. Unfortunately, I’ll never get the chance to meet him because a selfish doctor tried to save his life but made a mistake like the bastard he truly is. Let’s just remember that Michael wouldn’t want us to get angry, that’s not the ‘MJ way’ (copyright Jackson Estate, 2011). Jackson’s message has always been one of love and peace such as the insightful line from Bad: ‘Your Butt is Mine/ Gonna Take you Right’. Wise words, my friend. Rest in Peace.

Conor Luke Barry does nothing in particular but is enjoying Skyward Sword, even if it is a bit samey to other Zelda games. He can be found on Facebook or in the Spar across the road from his house.