Re: Sperm Stealing

After reading Liz Jones’ article on stealing her boyfriend’s sperm, David Reilly did some investigating and discovered an email sent to Ms. Jones from her editor after receiving her first draft. At the risk of legal action, he has given Humourisms.com exclusive rights to reproduce the email.

Hi Liz,

Thanks for getting your draft in on time. Overall, it’s a great piece but there are a few places that need a tweak or two.

First of all, you’re going to need a new title. Calling the article “Liz Jones: Cum Burglar” gives the impression that you’re actually breaking into men’s house and stealing their sperm as they sleep. It would be absurd to infer that a white woman would stoop so low as to breaking and entering.

“As a feminist, I looked down on mumsy types.”

Hear, hear! Some woman can be so idiotic and become slaves to the continuity of the human existence.

“Because he wouldn’t give me what I wanted, I decided to steal it from him. I resolved to steal his sperm from him in the middle of the night. I thought it was my right, given that he was living with me and I had bought him many, many M&S ready meals.”

Exact and to the point. I can’t fault your logic either. If they were Tesco ready meals I’d call you a crazed hag, but you did go all out with the M&S ones so you’re entirely justified.

“One night, after a rather tame bondage session (there wasn’t a single drop of blood, can you believe that?), I took the baby-juice filled rubber and went down to the kitchen. Using an icing bag, I squeezed every last drop into myself, hoping it’d be enough to kick-start the first stage of the miracle of life.”

My only problem with this piece is that it’s a little too wordy. I get that you want to ensure that your readers fully understand the situation, and we both know our readers rely on us for their opinions and thoughts, but this may be a little too graphic. Something along the lines of the below would work better.

“One night, after sex, I took the used condom and, in the privacy of the bathroom, I did what I had to do. Bingo.”

I particularly like the following few lines,

“I don’t understand why more men aren’t wise to this risk — maybe sex addles their brain. So let me offer a warning to men wishing to avoid any chance of unwanted fatherhood: if a woman disappears to the loo immediately after sex, I suggest you find out exactly what she is up to.”

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve walked in on a lady friend, sitting on the edge of the bath, with her legs spread and a condom full of my finest in her hand. It’s great to see someone bring awareness to such an ignored yet rampant issue.

Oh by the way, I wasn’t aware that you were briefly married to one of…them. But at least you came to your senses. Not happy with taking our jobs and our women, but now they’re taking our women’s last years of fertility. Makes me sick. I am going to have to have a sit down with you regardless in case of any future occurrences. We do have a reputation to uphold here at the Daily Mail.

Great idea including a current picture of yourself! My only qualm with the picture you want to include is that there may be a few too many cats. I know you love your cats a lot, but I don’t think there’s a need to include all 27 of them in the picture. Fortunately your insistence on the photographer taking a picture of you with each cat individually means we can print whichever one features the least despondent cat.

That’s pretty much it I think. Hope you have a nice day. I’m really looking forward to the article on killing puppies to prevent animal cruelty that you’re planning.

Mr Roger D. Mail
Editor-In-Chief