Survival Guide To The Dublin Floods

With the Capital just emerging from the worst flood in it’s history, Jon Hozier-Byrne looks at the logical ways to make money off of God hating us

If there is one thing pulling together the spirits of the damp denizens of north Dublin city this week, it’s the floods. If there’s two things, it’s the floods and their shared socio-economic class. Yes, the floods are upon us, and what were once the proud winners of the Sam Maguire are now the proud, moist winners of the Sam Maguire. It’s a national tragedy the likes of which we haven’t seen since Dana killed that boy, and citizens everywhere from the inner city to the northern inner city are having trouble commuting, shopping, and obtaining a sufficient amount of oxygen.

 Even the finest Peugeots weren’t immune to a watery death 

The summer has gone, and been replaced with the classical autumnal tropes of a pond in every car park and a flooded shopping center in every Dundrum – and unfortunately, it looks like this is only the beginning. More floods are on the way, as we look forward to what can only rationally be described as the End of Days. But hey, why do we have to sit around like chumps, waiting for the water to slink away like a Humourisms writer in the night?

Terror in a wool cap.

As such, Humourisms presents to you; Ways to Capitalise of Natural Disasters – Part 1, the first in a one part series outlining how even in these recessionary times, you too can make a quick euro off God being a bastard. Follow our sweet advice and when the next disaster comes, you can turn that precipitation into plummetting gold.

1.       Become a Midlands Fisherman

Once upon a time, those unfortunate enough to live in the midlands were doomed to so-called ‘careers’ in the unprofitable non-fish industries. Thankfully, God, in all his soggy wrath, has effectively de-regulated the fisheries industry in a single move by making the ocean come to us. In the future, people in the likes of Laois and Offaly will join the rest of the country in finally being able to obtain Omega 3 and bang mermaids to their heart’s content.

 Pictured; Brittas Bay, every night of the week.

 2. Found and Successfully Manage your own Gondola Service

Have you ever been to the beautiful, mystical, magical city of Venice? No, of course you haven’t, neither have I. But imagine Dublin if, instead of roads, you had rivers, and instead of junkies, you had junkies with funny accents; this is the picturesque nightmare we are facing, and we must be prepared. The trick to any successful underwater city (as any meglomanical Objectivist industrialist knows), is public transportation.

This is a man who understands the importance of light rail.

As such, it is important that, when the day comes that the courage of busdrivers fail, we have a proud workforce of gondoleers at our disposable. Soon, the gondola will become Dublin’s premier form of public transportation, and you can get ahead of the game by fashioning your own out of the fallen trees conviently lining the roads at present. Then, when the city floods again, you can charge extortionate amounts of cash for a ‘taxi service’ for the drowning fools who didn’t have your intelligence or forethought. Never say we don’t look out for you at Humourisms.

3. Trade Warm Socks for Sexual and/or Political Favours

As anyone who’s seen the 1995 classic Waterworld will tell you, the two things that are in high demand in the watery future are petrol and cosy socks. There is nothing Kevin Costner wouldn’t do for a can of Super Unleaded or a pair of fluffy toe-huggers, and I say that from experience.

  “There, it’s out. Now where are those double-cottons?”

In the future, all anyone is going to want is socks and petrol, and now that you know, you can plan ahead. Unfortunately, petrol is expensive, difficult to store, and explosive. Socks however, are six-for-a-euro in Penneys, compact, and only flammable if you buy the Tesco Value brand. Socks are the new pleutonium, my friends. In the future, wars will be foughts over the last remaining dry socks, and they will be fought on jetskis and particularly amiable manatees. By stocking up now, you’re guaranteeing your children and your children’s children a leadership role in whatever tribe they end up in. Don’t your children deserve that kind of peace of mind?

“Don’t worry Timmy, one day that’s going to be worth it’s weight in pussy!”

 Jon Hozier-Byrne is the Editor of Humourisms, as well as some piddly little newspaper. If you’ve ever heard of him before, you’re either an incredibly comprehensive aficionado of Dublin stand-up, or you like David Reilly.