Each week acclaimed feminist, sexpert and slap-bass player Fedora McSexypants answers your queries on love, lust and life. Edited by Jon Hozier-Byrne.
I just don’t know what to do. My boyfriend has become addicted to sniffing Pritt-Stik. He used to be so attentive, but now all he does is sit at home all day long, up to his balls in PVA, re-watching VHS copies of Art Attack. What should I do?
Sticky in Cellbridge
Good evening Sticky. The first thing to remember is that your not alone. There are literally fives of men out there that are adhesive fetishists, or “Pasters” to use the parlance de jour.
The important thing to remember is that your boyfriend probably loves you more then he does his sweet sticky pastime. Try to share in his fun with him, allow him to introduce you to his equally-valid but undoubtedly sick, sick world.
Try introducing arts and crafts into your lovemaking. During foreplay, why not suggest some suggestive papier-mache to get things heated up. By the time you’re applying your second bobbly-eye or that third layer of glitter he’ll be about ready to burst, just like that piñata you just smothered in poster paint.
If this fails, why not crack open an old copy of Cartoon Fun with Don Conroy, and get ready to draw some sweet owls. I’ve tried this many-a-time late into a sweaty eve, and no matter how hard your man is to please, by the time you’re putting your finishing touches on that fourth Hootie, your man will be begging for a finishing touch as well.
It’s time to get adventurous Sticky. You know how your mother always told you not to be wasting your time with weirdos or good-time-fancy-men? Well I know your mother, and she’s a dick. If you love this man, it’s time to glue-up your glutes and show him a soggy good time.
Love and Tickles,
Fadora McSexypants, MD.
Next week – Fedora tackles the age old question – what is the sexiest headgear to wear to bed? I’ll give you a hint – it’s Prussian military helmets.