George Fox joins us once again, using glitter and moxie in the first of his new series.
SKETCHY DETAILS PRESENTS:
CAN MONEY MAKE YOU HAPPY?
Welcome Humourismers(?) to my newest feature. Before we can hope to find the solution to our conundrum, we first have to ask ourselves: What STOPS people from being happy? Why, the little problems life continuously and insistently throws in our way. So, if we can show money can be a solution to these problems then surely that means money CAN make you happ…
I’m imagining you said “RIGHT!” outloud at your computer screen after you read that. To those of you that did, I say kudos and welcome to the team! To those of you who decided to scream as loud as you could…would you mind keeping it down? There are people trying to pleasure themselves to the adult content website that lives next door to Humourisms.com. It features “Naughty” bus drivers. What exactly is a “naughty” bus driver anyway? One that DOESN’T accept exact change?
ARGH! See how easy it is to get distracted by the problems thrown up by life? So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I present:
Lets start with a simple problem you may even have experienced. Perhaps you’re someone who feels……
WHENEVER I’M OUT IN PUBLIC, PEOPLE COMPLETELY IGNORE ME, ITS LIKE THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW I EXIST! – PROBLEM #1
Ok, easily solved. Simply use that hard earned money of yours to go out and purchase yourself the following IMPORTANT items:
Yes! Thats right, forget about those days where people ignored you. Get ready to be the topic of conversation for your entire neighbourhood! Enjoy being the talk of the town while overhearing people in the street commenting things like “Hey, is that the same van from earlier? Is it…following me?” and “That van has been parked outside our house for TWO days! This is ridiculous I am gonna call the…IS THAT GUY WEARING A HOCKEY MASK!?”
- Meet new and interesting law officials!
And of course, don’t forget the best part…. we all know ladies CAN’T RESIST a man with an air of MYSTERY!
A cool new style, a whole new personality AND sexy ladies up the wazoo? I think it’s safe to say…..
-PROBLEM #1 SOLVED
At this point i would like to admit that I have no idea what a “wazoo” is, nor the benefits or negative side effects of having things up to and/or around the “wazoo”. I do however know that whatever happens in your van once someone steps inside is fine and legal. *
*According to Google.
So, for problemo numero….. eh…. two, lets try to pick something a little more general and every day. So no surprise when you hear this little doozy that we’ve all had to put up with once in a while.
I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE AS I SUFFER FROM THE WIDESPREAD CONDITION OF ALWAYS BEING ON FIRE…..- PROBLEM #2
Well, hardly exciting but okay, lets deal with it. If you happen to suffer from the common fire, don’t fret too much if people happen to comment on it when they first meet you. Most people will get used to it with time. Some may even use your presence as the perfect setting for a ghost story. If however you find it is holding you back in your life or career, then MONEY can most certainly ease your worries. You see, all you need to do is distract Peoples attention away from the raging inferno that is your torso and upper body. Can Anyone say “DAS SEXY AUTOMOBILE!”? No really, CAN you say that?
And there ya go, people are far too excited about your sexy car to even notice that you’re burned so bad that you look like tree bark. And that torrent of flame coming off your body should take care of any parking tickets. You’ll still have to pay them though. it’s all done electronically now so really the ticket means nothing. Pricks, like they have nothing better to do than ruin my fuc….. HEY, i think this problem has reached its conclusion so guess what that means.
-PROBLEM 2 SOLVED
Well, i know you guys are just chomping at the bit to know what the third problem is gonna be. But to be honest i just want to know what you are chomping at…..its inappropriate, quit it. And sit up. Well wait no longer as problem number 3 is that simple little age old problem….
PEOPLE HATE ME AND THINK I’M AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE I ALWAYS DRESS LIKE A PIRATE!-PROBLEM #3
So everyone hates you cos you dress like a pirate eh? Can’t say I blame them. I mean c’mon man, do you think people WANT to be reminded of Scurvy, Dissentry, Pillaging of Coastal Towns and sad lonely parrots? No dude. Get with the times. Luckily for you, that’s where the money comes in. Thanks to modern pimping techniques you don’t even have to change your style, just adapt it to make it more “Modern Friendly”. Why look what just a little bit of Bump and Polish would do to our friend here.
Whoa Whoa Whoa…. Where’s the party. Where ever you are my friend! Damn you look sooooo good you could easily steal a monarchs child and get away with a slap on the wrist and an invitation to boogie down! And prison. Prison would come after that. Rules is rules.
ME: You’re Welcome! THAT’S what.
-PROBLEM #3 SOLVED
So There we have it ladies and gentlemen. Undeniable proof that money can solve the problems we face in our day-to-day life, which is in itself proof that yes, money CAN make you happy. So all we need to do to be content and happy in our lives is become ridiculously rich and….Oh, wait, yeah recession right? OK, maybe this wasn’t the most apt feature for the current financial climate. But worry not little people of the internet, being a selfless being of unimaginable giving I plan to placate you with all the information you need when i return with my next feature…
“EATING FREELY: Life Through The Eyes Of A Man Scrounging Through Bins And Why There’s NO Shame In It.”
You’ll never be the same again.